[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
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QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
so much to do
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
christening a ship with an overripe banana
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?