“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
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Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.