(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
You Might Also Like
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.