[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
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🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
What the hell happened here.
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw