I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
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Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
I’m ready for Halloween this year
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
The first one, obviously
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.