My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
You Might Also Like
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
Worst Native American name ever.
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”