Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
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Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.