My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
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New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking