[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
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*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”