Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
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Flowers bee like
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
I bet
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me