Life cycle of cat
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me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
Pretty much. 🤣
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
Happy Taco Tuesday
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!