Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
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My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.