The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
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If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
Hank is one in a melon.
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
Brb my Sims are getting married
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.