When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
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The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
I mean…but I did
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.