Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
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Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming