The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
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Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.