Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
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If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
crying
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad