If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
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black phone good
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
there has never been a better use of this meme
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.