3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
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Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
whenever i wake up before my alarm
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )