Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
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My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee