CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
You Might Also Like
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
We are the people our parents warned us about.
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money