husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
You Might Also Like
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
Monday
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.