“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
You Might Also Like
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
Forever 21… pounds overweight
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door