Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
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It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?