Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
You Might Also Like
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
my retirement plan is braless
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.