People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
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I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies