Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
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Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.