Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
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Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
How about daylight saves us for once
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
Good morning!
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.