Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
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if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
can’t talk my ride’s here
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.