[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
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“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
the prophecies have been fulfilled
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.