When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
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What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.