[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
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If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science