No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
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Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.