I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
You Might Also Like
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
I’m a self-made hundredaire
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?