DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
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Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
tinder is all about the long game
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”