9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
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servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
Not all heroes wear capes…
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.