me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
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I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)