Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
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Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
Made something I’m not proud of
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]