I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
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“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
We need more people like this.
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.