Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
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ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy