“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
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Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!