When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
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Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.