Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
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North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
Never mess with a drunken pig.
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa