If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
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7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat