As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
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I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do