Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
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It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
When your parents check you’re ok.
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.