Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
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*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
*puts cutlery down*
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen