Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
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dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
What fresh Hell is this?!?
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.