Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
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I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
I used to be married, but I’m better now
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse