why am I working on Labor Day
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*ernest hemingway voice*
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
congratulations to them
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
it was a valiant fight
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”